here with my friend Stella. Stella‘s our local rock star mama, Goddess of the Universe. She comes to every local gig and loves on all of us local music making people. so when she needed help after surgery this week, we all are Here with her, taking turns hanging, eating, helping and healing up. This is what small town living looks like. This is what love looks like. when you live in a place like this, your humanity is acknowledged every day by the people who share in existence with you. As it should…Read more
i did a thing.
i bought a house. I’ve done this before but never alone and I’ll tell you what: it’s WAY scarier when you have to do shit like this by yourself. I feel like I haven’t slept in two months due to the scariness of this decision.
I do not really dig financial commitments. Like at all. But I do dig having a house so compromises had to be made.
In the middle of my crisis of indecision and feeling like at any moment I might just get in my car and drive West till the mountains got bigger than my fear was, Franny met me over at the house I was getting involved with so I could show it to her. And so I could whine a lot about how scared I was about having a mortgage of my very own.
we ended up sitting on the front porch of the place that night, drinking beer and talking. As usual, I calmed down sitting with my friend, and she pointed out all the good things there would be about having this place as mine. And as we talked through the night, we watched the night sky light up in a LiteBrite design of constellations and the fireflies were out in droves looking for dates. It was some beautiful up there in that little Northern Vermont corner with two ladies drinking beer and one of em smoking rollys and both of em talking a lot about anything they felt like.
When we got up to leave, way too late, after hours of watching stars and glowing insects, we both had trouble walking down the drive in the dark because our eyes were literally blinded from the brightness of those beauties.
it all made me feel so much better and helped me to see the magic of that sweet place and know I was doing the right thing, even though I felt like I might have a syncopal episode as I signed the papers in the bank.
franny wrote me the next day and told me she had named my place:
she nailed it. I’m going with that.
that was my first fun time at the new home and I’m hoping for a lot more to come.
you are my home.
i wrote this song after a long hike on muddy vermont trails with two people i really love: fran forim and rudy. franny is my bad-ass-bass-playing-mad-skills-mama friend and rudy is my sweetie. we were having our first outing since being holed up for a couple months due to virus quarantine so gratitude was running high. grateful for friends and love and the beautiful northern woods.
during the quarantine, it became clear to me that home is our people, not our place, and that our people, our families, our love is stronger than any virus or any fear. i wanted to write about that. i was also moved by the death of a great musical inspiration of mine- John Prine. he would write a song about a powerful idea, like the notion of family and home, but say it in a way that spoke directly and simply to the heart. he was a man who did not shy away from the goofy but effective metaphor as long as it was accurate and dead on. he always nailed it. i decided to be brave like him and not shy away from words that speak my truth even if they are simple or goofy. because what is there to hide? love is vulnerable but also powerful and that's the best we got.
so here's the lyrics:
You Are My Home.
down all them roads
muddy and dirt
didn't know where we're going.
and i would walk with you
through mountains and springs
just talking about nothing
laughing at all things.
cause you are my home.
you bring me comfort
like the sun warms the snow.
and your love is the strongest place i know.
you built a shelter for my soul
you are my home.
knew you a long time
when we first met.
we were both kinda broken
we were both kinda wrecked.
and we aint so young now
but we also aint old
you came on like a blanket
when my life had grown cold.
you are my home...
c.malcolm spring 2020. copyright.
North Country Mama Publishing.
Writing about things:
I’m home making dinner for my kid and chilling for a bit as gigs are cancelled and life is finding it’s new normal. I take care of people In my real world job, so trying to sort through the current intensity of COVID and figure out how to keep perspective, health and do damage control given my work.
gives me time to think and rest: two things I’ve not done a lot of in recent years. I’m honestly grateful for the quiet space.
I write a lot of songs in times like this. Usually the songs are about hearts- the filling of them and the breaking of them. Like most humans, I’ve had a lot of both. For a while there, it looked like broken heart would win and then, sure enough, see what slipped in sideways and sneaky-like, as it always seems to: LOVE! Healing up the broken bits and making things strong and good again.
Got me thinking about this virus and all it’s meanness. And the energy that will motivate our healing from this. Once again, same old: LOVE.
so this is my little prayer for the healers, prayer for the scientists, prayer for the health workers and hospital administrators and EMS workers and prayer for the neighbors caring for one another: that love keeps filling us and making us strong. And that we remember it’s the only thing that really saves the day.